Executive functioning

Executive functioning. How many of us have issues with this? How annoying is it that this tiny little area of your brain that’s right between your peep holes should be in charge of and contribute to how well we function in the world?

I for one am getting quite irked.

I have been familiar with the term for a long time without being consciously aware of how much this effected me. It wasn’t until my health started worsening and there were more pressures to deal with and stress in my life, that I started noticing this little area of my brain start to seriously malfunction.

I had read some about it and noticed correlating evidence in my son but didn’t get that light bulb moment on how it effected me. Not till I watched an enlightening video from an amazing lady who runs a page called Oh My Musical Goodness on Facebook. She was explaining how executive functioning worked and it was then that it slapped me in the face on how much I had been struggling with it for quite a while.

I can get up so early in the morning, well before anyone else, I’m talking butt crack of dawn early. But somehow even though I turn my phone off so I’m not distracted, I drink my coffee while getting ready, and Hoover breakfast down so fast I’m surprised someone doesn’t need to give me the Heimlich maneuver, I still, somehow, end up in this time warp. So

that even though it feels like I’m moving fast, to the rest of the world I’m stuck in a time bubble like the replicators in Star Gate SG1, and moooooooooovvvvvvviiiiiinnnnngggggfgsssuuuuuppppppeeeeerrrrrrslllllooooooowwwwwwwwww………

It’s hard as hell for people to not get impatient with me, damn it I get impatient with my self enough. And even though I’m aware of it, I see it in my son and it’s sooooooo hard to not get impatient with him!

It’s a vicious cycle.


Today’s status? Feeling like I need a brain transplant. Or a coffee IV. Which ever comes first.



The older I get the more realisations I come to about myself and how I function. More light bulb 💡 moments and slaps to the face.

The last few months especially have been very intense in self awareness.

The more I understand and learn the more knowledge I am able to pass on to my son. I wish I had known the things I know now back when I was his age and in my late teens and early twenties.

But while a lot of bad things happened back then they shaped the person I am today and now I can help teach my son to understand himself better so he can avoid (hopefully) the situations I got my self into.

One of the reason I think, that I had so many troubles is because I was put on one kind of anti depressant after another because of ignorant of autism doctors who even though they knew about my diagnosis, still diagnosed me with manic depression or bipolar when I didn’t have that. These pills only served to numb me and take away my natural instincts which could have protected me from a lot of what happened to me. It was when I finally rid myself of all these after my son was born, that all my senses came out of hibernation with full intensity. Nothing was keeping them suppressed anymore so I was now confronted with trying to control these abilities to feel EVERYTHING that I wasn’t able to do before. And traits that I have that had also been suppressed came out. Like some stims I have now.

Over time, especially recently with all these self awarenesses I’ve been having, the term chameleon that has been attributed to autistics has been playing through my mind. It’s a very appropriate term I think that has been applied to us.

Monkey see monkey do is a term tagged to children we are all familiar with. And we all know the one, bad associations spoil useful habits. With all people, if they are around a group of the same people say in and day out will pick up idiosyncrasies, speech inflections, tones of voice, body language and even accents. That is something beyond anyone’s control.

But as an autistic person (I’m not sure if this is the same with all of us or to what degree) it’s more intense. With this “chameleon gene” we’ve been born with we can almost become the people we are around. Maybe it’s part of our fight or flight responses being so amplified, I don’t know. But for me, if I am around someone who speaks with an accent (for instance) even for a little while I will start speaking the same way to the point I have to apologise as that person will think I am making fun of them.

In a lot of cases I don’t like what I pick up.

I’m changing all the time. And these awarenesses are helping me to understand so much about myself that I wish I’d known a long time ago. While I struggle with a lot of things, especially at the moment as life is so intense right now, I like the person I am and what I am. I’m becoming more me.

The autistic community I have found is so incredible. So many amazing women, strong, unique and all so encouraging. We are all learning about ourselves through each other.

It would be great to learn about other autistic people’s experiences and the knowledge they’ve gained about themselves. Share that knowledge and help each other to to keep growing and understanding more about our autistic culture. And rich culture we are at that.


So Kobash passed the resit of his public access test. A stressful event as it is, but this one was 6 months early! For an Autistic this was brain melting freak out time. Kobash, due to an ear infection, was off form and had been for a couple weeks. Plus we still struggle with dropped food. But despite my freaking out and how early it was it passed! Though when a piece of salami was tossed in front of him was the end of it 😂🤣 But the lovely ladies that came to test me were as wonderful as the last time and did their best to put me at ease (even though I was I practically vibrating from my nerves). I’m so grateful that Kobash can continue to be my shadow and my helper when we are out and about ❤️

Accomplishments at warp? Make it so.

To say I was experiencing feelings of accomplishment right now would be an understatement. Life is still difficult yes. I’m still tittering on the brink of Autistic shutdown, yes. But I am doing things I never thought in my life that I would do. I’ve come to an understanding about myself, an awareness, that I never thought I’d have.

I’ve started Kobash Mats. By Elle. Making special custom mats for people with assistance/service dogs, pets, and babies. I never ever thought I’d use a sewing machine, much less be capable enough to sew anything usable for anyone. I’ve had some flights of fancy of making dog collars or some such, every now and then. I still couldn’t sew from a pattern to save my life. But I can make mats  https://www.facebook.com/kobashmatsbyelle/?ref=bookmarks 🙂

When I get feedback from people about a mat I’ve made them, that they like it, and its what they wanted, I get a rush of satisfaction. And each step of the way, learning how to make to make the mats more efficiently, the new innovations to go with them, I sit back and wonder in amazement that this is something that I’M doing. Me! And oh the happy dance when I ordered the new sew on care instructions labels with the logo that a lovely lady made up for me was just the best! I feel so professional 😀

Of course, it isn’t easy. I never know when I’m going to to get an order. Sometimes it’s weeks before I do. But I’m loving the creative side of it. Of working with each person designing their mat, seeing the end result which is a reflection of themselves, and that they trusted me to make it for them. Fills my heart right to the brim.

And to top it off. The most amazing thing. This honor I was given, to see something I’ve written published in an online magazine for Autism April.


I’m floored that they asked me. Yes, I try to stay up front with all things Autistic. Our world. New news, running my group (or trying to. I’ve been a bit slack of late), the pages too.


Trying to make sure people have accurate information about people like us. It can be hard. Especially when I talk with parents who, while they mean well, only have the wish to see their child be ‘normal’. Little bits of my heart get chipped away every time I hear that.

While I feel so accomplished at the level of self-awareness I  have achieved in my life, at times like that I hate it. And I long for the time when I was oblivious to the Neurotypical world and all their idiosyncrasies and fear of the unknown and different. When I was nieve and innocent. I’m not any of those things anymore. I’ve grown hard and cynical and sarcastic (yes we autistics can understand sarcasm. It’s a learned language at which I’ve become quite fluent). I’ve grown a sharp edge with which to protect myself from this neurotypically dominant world I’ve found myself dumped into.

The things I’ve learned in my years alone, just my son and I are so valuable to me. And while I cherish them, the knowledge I’ve gained in this time is a two-edged sword as well. It gives me strength but also cuts me when I see ignorance about Autistics so prevalent and crushing and sinister growing and surpassing clear thinkers and logic spinners that I fear that any acceptance we achieve will be so far into the future that data will a real thing and beam me up Scotty will an everyday norm (please check your Star trek reference at the door).

I would love to educate more people about the truth about Autism. But I don’t know if I have the strength to handle the ignorance that I will surely face if I do. So, for now, I will blog in this little blog that goes still undetected by the majority. I will post about my self-awareness and knowledge about how our brains work. All the twisty, happy flappy, stimmy little and big things.  And surf in the punk rock music ear tingles straight to the chest feelings of achievement that I’m feeling right now at my accomplishments. A little self-pride is ok, isn’t it?

A little self-pride is ok, isn’t it?


And what all we Autistics fear most……Autism Awareness Month….dun dun DAAAAAAAA!

It’s here. What we Autistics dread every year. Autism Awareness April.

But why do we dread this month? A month set aside just for us? A month to raise awareness about Autism. To help us. To make us known.

It sounds innocuous enough. But in reality, to Autistics like myself, it only serves to make us more aware that organizations like Autism $peaks do not speak for us. It’s not about including us. It’s about raising awareness about the plight of Autism. That it’s the worst thing that can happen to your family. That it tears families apart. That your life will be ruined if you have an Autistic child. It’s about eradicating us, and if that fails, it’s then about forcing us to appear as “normal” as possible so as to not make everyone in neurotypical society uncomfortable in our presence.

We have drilled into us from the moment of diagnosis all the therapies and courses, diets and pills, natural remedies, chelation therapies, ABA therapies, bleach enemas and shock therapies in every effort to purge Autism from our systems. And when that doesn’t work the anti-vaxxers will get their claws into unsuspecting parents blaming them for causing their child’s Autism by giving them vaccinations. The rise in communicable diseases is now on the rise because of the ignorance of their campaign. Their fear mongering. It doesn’t help that well-known people in the media will jump on that bandwagon and promote it in their uneducated ignorance.  The viciousness of the attacks from these people is insane in their berserkers rage. Insanity at its purest form. And when I see their comments and their hate in action it brings to my mind visions of straight-jacketed zombies, hissing and spitting and slavering (I have a vivid imagination).

I’ve come to learn in watching the world in their view of and their lack of acceptance of Autism, is that people will search every corner of the world, using all the resources that they can, to find a cause, a reason for what they don’t understand. And if they can’t find a reason for it, they will either try to cure it or kill it.

I find that confusing. It’s something that I will never understand. Why people who work so hard to show that they are different and not like everyone else, that they are unique and one of a kind, will attack that which is different. Why do that if you like being different? Can anyone explain that to me?

I think that will be one of the mysteries of the world. Like Stonehenge.

It’s hard to not get caught up in frustrations and anger at the light it up blue campaigns and autism awareness. At trying to educate people who don’t really want to be educated or learn the truth. All people really want these days is to have their ears tickled with pleasing anecdotes and light-hearted stories of the triumph over autism. They don’t really want to see how many children are suffering from these so called “treatments”. They don’t want to see the pictures of the inside of a child’s intestines coming out of their body from bleach enemas. They don’t want to see another news article of another parent who couldn’t handle their autistic child anymore so they killed them.

But we see it all. From the most verbally eloquent of us to the most expressive nonverbal of us, we see it all. We feel it all.

We want a world where neurodiversity is embraced and accepted and celebrated. Not crush kill destroyed. All I see right now is a world where it’s fast becoming an ‘us versus them’ scenario. And no one is a winner then.

We make jokes among ourselves about the plight of neurotypicalness. Of finding a vaccine to rid the world of neurotypicals. And we laugh at the thought of it. But underneath I’m tired of seeing people’s view of us. Their ignorance. I’m tired of feeling frustrated and angry at the news articles about autism awareness month, of another breakthrough cure/treatment/remedy for autism. Of another child killed by their parents and news media generating sympathy for the parents. Of more and more outbreaks of diseases that had been eradicated because of vaccines on the rise because a dead child is better than a child with autism.

If you really want to know anything about autism, ask an ACTUAL autistic. Educated yourself. It’s not a hard thing to do. If we want to be called an autistic person over ‘person with autism’, respect that wish. For people who often say, you can’t believe everything you read in the paper or see on t.v, you do an awful lot of jumping on the bandwagon when you see something on t.v or read something in the paper about autism.

If you want to really support us, do your research on organizations before you get involved with them. Respect our choices. Don’t light it up blue. As a good friend of mine says, ‘leave blue in your

Don’t light it up blue. As a good friend of mine says, ‘leave blue in your loo’.

As a good friend of mine says, ‘leave blue in your loo’.


For more education you can go to: https://www.facebook.com/PlanetAspergiaCommunity/

Posted by Amythest Schaber on Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Community service announcement: Dear organisations jumping on the Autism Bandwagon. You really need to do better than “everyone else” if you wish to win the trust and confidence of Actually Autistic people. That is IF you truly wish to be inclusive (as you so claim) and learn about intrinsic autistic modalities and paradigms, in order […]

via Autism Acceptance? — bunnyhopscotch

Its been a while.


I have been a busy girl. Its been so long since I blogged and I’ve yearned for the feeling of unloading all the jumble of words that swirl around in my brain crashing into eachother in their deparate attempt of freedom from my skull. But tempus fugid and one day blurs into the next and wam bam thank you mam time as royaly screwed us all over, and, what we thought we had time for we don’t because time is not the concept we once thought it was. But maybe thats just me getting older.
This year alone has been enormously huge with so much jam packed, I don’t really want that kind of action please, action, that as soon as I turn around another three have gone past leaving me wondering if I’m stuck in a demented matrix. The beginning of the year started off with me finally acheiving my dream of being able to home school my son. Something I have been working towards for 2 years.
Then my cat then started his downward spiral. But I’m not ready to talk about that yet.
Another event was starting up our new business. I wanted to find something to help out my family. Being on a pension in this day and age is incredibly difficult. Everthing goes up, but your pay. So when you are struggling to buy enough food to last a week because of the cost of living, you need to find a way to get more money.
Quite by accident the idea popped into my head. With input from others in the service dog community Kobash Mats. By Elle was born (kobashmatsbyelle.com) I now make custom, one of a kind mats for Assistance/Service Dogs, Pets and Babies. And I only make one of each kind so each person has a one of a kind mat that no one else has.
Its been incredibly difficult to get this started. Espcially when you can’t get a loan to help you set up. And verifying my website through bing has been a nightmare. The people with bing are so massively hard to speak to. They don’t understand anything you are saying and only repeat themselve with the same advice suggestions you’ve already told them don’t work a million times. And to top it all off I signed up to run an ad with a $100 vouchure I was sent through bing for poeple to find my website through searches. Which has completely messed up my being found with searches on google. Once the budget for the day is gone no one can find me. And once the entire coupon is used up no one will every be able to find me again. To make it worse, I am right now speaking in a live chat with someone from bing about this, and all he wants is for me is to top up budget so the ad can keep running. Ive done everything but speak in portuguese to him and he can’t seem to grasp the fact that I want to cancel everything and go back to where I was before. When I could type in one of my search words and have Kobash Mats come up in the search. I am right now asking to speak to someone who is charge and still he keeps running me in cirlces.
Still wants me to top up my budget. Not even my saying that within the next 1-2 I will have to pay for a cremation has stopped him. And no, I wasn’t lying about that.
But like I said, I’m not ready to talk about that yet.
Life keeps moving on. Everything changes. Too much changes. And as soon as I come to terms with one of them, another smacks me upside the head and sends me spinning. But enduring changes as an Autistic person is part and parcel of living on this planet. And even in the Autism world things are changing. Moving away from the whole “spectrum” mentality. No more “on the spectrum”. Now, I am Autistic. Getting rid of terms that give the wrong impression of being Autistic. That just because you see us as being “high functioning” doesn’t mean we see ourselves in that way. We each deal with, and handle things completely differently from the next Autistic person.
It is a slow moving smail of progress, but we will get there too I’m sure.

But as of right now, I need a Gilmore Girls sized infusion of caffeine and someone to come jump start my brain.

Updates and happs.

Been a long time since I wrote anything. Last year was a massive year for us. Seems we spent most of it at family court getting stuff sorted out. It was my plan to home school my Asperboy for high school as he was falling through the cracks at school. His anxiety was way up, his melt downs, the bullying. He wasn’t keeping up with the class. And that wasn’t for the lack of him being intelligent enough to keep up. But the class room environment wasn’t a good place for him to be able to.
Unfortunately Asperboy’s dad didn’t agree. He wanted him to go to mainstream school. So this was one of the issues brought up in court. The judge had gave me a month to get all the evidence together in support of home ed and submitted. I got everything I could find minus the kitchen sink. Letters from psychologists, reports from school, information about home ed and its benefits over mainstream, also proof that I was more than capable of carrying it all out and providing my son with a balanced education.

Of course once I had done all the work, Asperboys father changed his mind. He wasn’t against us doing home ed anymore. I think he finally saw how much it meant to my son to be able to do it.

Once Asperboy found out he was able to be home schooled he visibly relaxed. He still had trouble at school and wanted to come home early every day, but he something to hang on to, to keep going. After school let out and he was graduated from primary school, all the build up of anxiety, the bullying, the melt downs and stress finally came out and he came down with a sinus infection that was so bad he almost ended up in hospital. Took him about a month to completely recover.


Tree Asperboy painted for our classroom

But we started this year off fresh. So far homeschool/unschool has been amazing. Its so rewarding. The amount of stuff that we’ve covered would take a teacher in mainstream half the year to accomplish. Some days he will binge watch the scishow on youtube. You’ll think, he can’t be learning much from that can he? But days later he will give me a lecture on how red giant became a red giant and what happens when it goes supernova. He will launch into a monologue with anyone about the peacock spider. He’s finally learning in a way works for him and its amazing watching him grow into it.
I can’t wait till next term and what comes next.

The Kobash fund

I started a gofundme page in the hopes that I might be able to raise the money to get the extra gear i need for Kobash (my Service Dog) and the extra training to teach him to help with new issues that have arisen. Yay for chronic health. Which is the reason I haven’t been blogging for a while.

After all the too-ing and fro-ing from the doctor and the multitude of tests over the past few years, I’m grateful I finally know what the issues are. Though now is a time for learning and adjustment to new routines and dietary changes…..GAH! So sick of dietary changes! I also know what the issues are with my son, as aspects of his health have been puzzling for a long time. The blessing there is with his age a few changes with diet and a few extra things will help him immensely and hopefully prevent him from getting as bad as me.

Kobash doing a tuck at the doctors.

Kobash doing a tuck at the doctors.

I  have added the link to the gofundme page I started in the hopes it may get around and more people will see it.


What is a black hole?

Daily Knowledge


A black hole is a region in space where the pulling force of gravity is so strong that light is not able to escape. The strong gravity occurs because matter has been pressed into a tiny space. This compression can take place at the end of a star’s life Some black holes are a result of dying stars. Because no light can escape, black holes are invisible.

However, space telescopes with special instruments can help find black holes. They can observe the behavior of material and stars that are very close to black holes.

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