His presence is like a security blanket when im anxious. Not a good day today. Been having a lot of those of late. After a period of up-ness, my cycle riding high, (where Kobash had moments of staying home alone) I’m having a down to beat all downs. Haven’t had a down like this in years. Or melt downs where things get broken either. Yes, even us Aspergians can have a throw down melt down to rival Rainman. It seems to be affecting me not only with my stress levels and coping mechanisms, but also physically. Wound so tight I’m going ping off. And in that fashion my upper back seized up so that I can barely move.
Kobash has been more than usually attentive of late. He is becoming more sensitive to my moods and emotions. And I’m paying more attention to his. The distraction of this is welcome especially when I’m overly anxious.Now Kobash can sleep anywhere. From Conventions where thousands of people attend, to our weekend meetings at the Hall, there he would be, out cold on the floor. But this morning at the meeting, when he usually would be passed out (relaxed to the point I would have to jostle him when he started snoring) as soon as his body hit his faux fur mat, his head remained up, ears alert, and his chocolate brown eyes gently focused on me. You could see him fighting sleep, his lids would droop and he would start to stare into space, only to blink rapidly and resume his watch. Of course it took me a while to figure out why he wouldn’t stop staring at me. I thought at first it was because when we usually get settled in our chairs, I would give him a treat. But his way of reminding me of my negligence in this is to press his nose against my bag and snort. Today his nose ventured nowhere near my bag, which was placed right next to his head. As soon as I realized why the vigilance, I also realized why he was so determined to pull me out of over crowded areas, and as soon as the meeting was over he would almost yank me out the door. I felt like such a bone head. Me, who was so proud of myself in my self instructed knowledge of Dogs, had completely missed out on my own Dog! Man, this stress has impacted me more than I thought. I’m usually so much more in tune with the animals around me. Picking up their moods as easily as they pick up mine. Almost like we are on the same wave length. I understand them better than I do the humans around me. But all the times I had been thinking I was doing ok, he was letting me know in his sometimes forceful inelegant way, by mucking up, pulling me out of rooms, the shops, some conversations, that I wasn’t. I reflected on this as I watched him watching me this morning. Then I nodded my head at him, rolled my eyes at my own stupidity and gave him a little wink. After which he put his head on the ground and went to sleep. Happy that his dense mistress had finally “got” it. He is here to help me. And I had completely (though unknowingly) missed it altogether. I need to learn to focus more on him, and pay more attention to his cues. He has been letting me know all this time, and have been to deep in my emotional maelstrom to notice.
I’m sorry Kobash.
At least I know he forgives me.
It is possible to get involved in the emotions that we are perceiving, that that is all there is. Just that mental state that we’re tangled up in, that anything else that may be going on in our lives, is faded almost to the point of evanescence. That can be all to common with an Aspergian. Losing ourselves to our senses. That’s why Kobash is so good in times like that. He helps to bring me out of it. Though this time, I’m afraid, I was ignorant of his support. We are still coming together as a team. But I’m sure that once my thick-headedness is expunged, we will be a more effective one.