The only thing I can think of is that my Brain must really be an amazing thing. I mean to be able keep going with the sensory onslaught that I endure everyday, and not melt into an unidentifiable clag of goo. The amount of power that it gives off in any social situation is enough to light up New York City. And yet it keeps “functioning”.
In a manner of speaking.
Its hard enough to deal with the troubles that can be inflicted daily on an Aspergian. But add to that the sensory processing disorder and I’m surprised constantly that I haven’t imploded yet. I still feel in my chest the after effects of the auditory attack this morning. Not only bringing pain to my poor ears, but sending shock waves through my chest like a cardiologist using a defibrillator on me. ZAP! I love the meetings I go to on Sunday mornings. I love the people there, and the loving atmosphere. All truth, no malice or deception in the “vibes” that I pick up from people (and not in a “psychic” way either) around me. Its not their fault, that in their innocence to my abiding troubles, they aren’t to know the physical and “psychic” pain that I must bare the brunt of with each social confluence. The crowd of people, all close to one another, not a lot of room to move, all talking at a level which may as well, to my ears, be proportionately comparable to using a bull horn through a speaker system. Its not their fault. I am so grateful that no one over uses perfume or cologne. The smell gets into my lungs and my taste buds, and it stays with me for so long.
And with each shock of noise from the young ones, my hands fly to my ears, and the adrenalin goes through my chest and makes my heart pound. My reaction to such a shock is anger. And then with anger comes guilt, because its not their fault. They don’t know how much their little voices hurts me.
I know that my level of tolerance is affected by my stress levels. And the constant cycle that I’ve been going though of stress and pain has amplified my senses to beyond tolerable limits. I do my best to shield myself from it all with the tinted glasses I use in shops and other places with lots of light inside. I have wrist braces to pull tight on my arms to help anchor me during anxious brain whirling moments. And also emergency essence from the health food store to sooth my panic. I’m also about to get some noise muffling ear plugs that a new friend showed. Ones that I can take anywhere with their own little key ring travel box. And soon I will have the Irlen lenses that will cost an arm and a leg, and a foot and a hand, and…….. I am so hoping that with that one sense calmed, so the others will also calm. I’m hoping.
And yes, I have the eternal thankfulness for Kobash, always by my side. When it got too much for to bare, he came outside with me to sit on a step, big head on my lap, looking up at me to see when I would be ok enough to go back in. The chilly wind ended up driving me back inside. And once the meeting was over, I tried my best to stay a few minutes more even though the quiet had instantly morphed into thundering noise. I had a short chat with a lovely lady who, without much explanation, knows what physical and mental effort it is for me to go anywhere. I am blessed to have met the amazing people there and that I have made the friends I have. Real friends. That “get” it when I have to bolt. So glad that Kobash knows when its time to pull me out of times like that when I would have pushed myself to stay longer. He knows when I’ve had enough and that if I continue, the social sickness and hangover afterward would be so much worse.
Looking forward to a quiet Monday. No sleep in, for its an early morning to get up to and to get the AsperBoy ready for school. But then its hibernation time for the rest of the day in preparedness for the rest of the week.