I knew that with the stresses that have been around for the last few months, that my sensory issues have increased and amplified. But I didn’t realize that the stress was also affecting my other traits as well. Maybe I did. I don’t know, at least on a subconscious level anyway.
I thought today was going well enough. I know I was anxious this morning after learning about mine and others people fate that rely on centrelink and other type benefits. Things are tight enough, and people struggling everywhere, without having our only means of support reduced even further, and other types of assistance taken away from, or limited further from us. Those with ASD and ASD kids are going to be feeling the pinch. Its hard enough raising kids on the spectrum while being on it yourself without more obstacles in your way. Only thing my family and I can do is keep relying on the one being that is always there for us and that has always helped us make it through.
But after calls to centrelink to find out what our future on benefits would be, I went about my day as per usual. Bit of blogging here, some tv there, light cleaning, commune with the Dogs and such. Now anything out of the ordinary, any change in routine, anything out of the expected, is upsetting and discombobulating. Setting my mind whirling, leaving me trying to find something to hold on to. But todays change in plans left me so agitated and anxious, I was left crying in the kitchen, my whole body rigid with tension. Once I had calmed down, I was left with the realization that maybe everything going was effecting more than just my senses. Thinking back, I came to the conclusion that for a while now I have been more agitated by change, needing things to be just the way I needed them to be than “normal”. Any deviation from what is planned, or routine sends me into whole body rigid anxiety which lingers for hours if not days afterward. I’ve struggled over the years to learn how to compromise, knowing that not everything can be my way all the time. I’ve tried hard to not come across as being selfish holding tight on to any flip outs when things don’t according to plan. Its not easy when it causes so much fear riddled anxiety to meet someone half way, or all their way on occasion. But I do it, because that’s the way life is. Full of compromises. And to think, this self filled revelation came about because of a change to lunch. Lunch. I fought back tears trying not to have a diva moment because lunch didn’t go the way I had planned. I felt like such selfish cow. Then I realized, it was all because of anxiety that I was feeling that way at all.
I’ve been feeling like im stuck in a hole. And for months ive been trying to not sink further. But as it is, im spending more and more time at home. And less and less in the world. It hurts to be in the world. I find my self rushing here there and everywhere, trying to get things done as fast as possible so I can get home and recover from what ever mental and sensorial onslaught that I had suffered from.
Im trying hard to get out of that hole. Im just so glad that Kobash is here to help me. He makes It easier to be outside. I have him to hold on to when I cant hold on to anyone else. His constant presence is reassuring. His attention on me helps to put me at ease. Ive found that will the extra time we’re spending together, our bond is getting closer for it. It is because of him that im able to make it for any length of time in social situations at all.
That said, im off to hunt for my new book (Been there. Done that. Try this!). Im hoping that there will be useful advise in there to help me manage my hyper sensitivity and other troubles. And a snuggle with a Dog on either side of me.