Three sighs and when are we starting that new routine?

ko4 ko1 ko3 ko4 ko7 ko10 ko12 kobashrobina

Major shopping centres are bad enough on any day. But finding myself stuck in one on a day I didn’t need to be there just makes it all the more fun. Yay to sensory overload (what is that smell?? Oh great another screaming baby, the flickering lights….gah!). And at the same time as being grateful at being able to have Kobash with me to help me during times like those, the stares that I we get as we’re moving through the mall make me want to dig myself into a hole until the mall shuts and I can escape. I hate being stared at. This is one of the reasons I didn’t “make it” as a model. The feel of peoples eyes on me….shudder. That and the fact that because of my height, the agency would only send me for casting calls for catwalk jobs, and I cant walk in a pair of high heels without falling over to save my life. I have about as much grace as a drunken sailor, and have been known to fall over from a standing position. End of modelling career. And why was that a good again anyway?

But I digress.

Now I know the benefits of having a list and keeping a calendar, but of what help are those things if I don’t have the memory to bring them with me?? I’m always forgetting things. And its worse if I’ve been under a lot of stress and pressure, and too much has been happening of a morning and I’m in too big of a rush to remember what I need even if its sitting right next to my bag as I’m rushing out the door? None. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Sigh. So, not only did I forget the list that my Husband so kindly made for me, I also forgot, in my switch over from old phone to “new” phone (which has been back and forth from me to the repair company so much that since the time of purchase in January, I’ve actually had in my hand all of three weeks) to make a note of the appointments in the old phones calendar so I could put them in the “new” phone. Which is what had me sitting for over 40 minutes outside The Coffee club at Robina Town Centre on Thursday. Waiting waiting waiting. You’d think that I would have texted the person I was supposed to meet well before that to see if they were going to turn up, but I didn’t until the time for meeting had well passed. Another sigh.

Kobash climbed up on my lap (making me laugh watching him to trying to get his back paws up on the padded bench I was sitting on. Up, slip sown, up, slip down, up, slip down….) Then the big wet one to the side of my face as if to say, Its ok Mum. I’m here. Big hug. Snap a pic. I still can not handle the looks from people. The places we frequent the most, to the people there, we are now a common  sight. And usually in a big mall like the Town Centre, people usually have a quick glance and keep on moving by. There were more people than usual there on Thursday. And it felt as if they all had their eyes on us. Most people would have a smile on their face. Some made us laugh as they looked liked birds with their heads tilted so far to the side trying to read Kobash’s vest, and some had looks of distain or disgust. You could almost hear them saying, what is that dog doing in here? Their kids said out loud what they didn’t. One lady almost hit Kobash with a trolley, and another with a pram. They saw him there, and either it was their intention to send a message to the lady who had the balls to bring a dog in to the shops, or the presence of him didn’t register at all even though they were staring right him. Who knows. I was glad when I could leave.

Right now I wish I was at home alone so I could have Kobash and Nova inside with me. Its one of those days. The ones that seem to start out ok, even though you were ousted from bed with painful full body cramps starting from the back and radiating outward. Its sunny, though windy. Cold. Kobash is restlessly moving about veranda. On his bed, off his bed, pace pace pace. On his bed. Too much to do, but no motivation to do anything. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch TV and read. Its still early enough in the day, but time is moving so fast these days, it will near 4pm before I can blink and time to pick up AsperBoy from his dad’s place. And that brings its own stress. Wondering if he is ok there, too many thoughts about what could be going on. Stuff that has happened to him while in his fathers “care” in the past play a big role in the anxiety that I feel each time I wave him off.

Tomorrow will be a big day. Up to Brisbane for an Assembly. The programs are wonderful, and the people are so lovely and kind and loving and accepting of everyone. The atmosphere is beautiful. I wish I could enjoy it more and not suffer from the sensory over stimulation and attacks that I do when even I’m in crowds like that. The light is wrong and hurts. The smells of the people, all to close, all grab your arm when they say hello and I hate having my arms touched. I flinch and move back, and the looks of confusion on their faces. I cant go into explanations of why. As much as they would try to understand, they wouldn’t. That the sound of all their voices merging together into an indistinguishable pulsating roar, like I’ve been pulled under by a big rip in the ocean of people around me. The hangover that I endure for days afterwards.

And thinking about all this, all my insufficiencies, the things I’m lacking in, make me more frustrated and angry at myself. the list of things I cant do is far longer then the list of things I can. The goals I set for myself all get torn to pieces eventually. I don’t know why I make them anymore. I know how negative I sound. Its all part of the down cycle I’m still stuck in. I also know that those feelings will dissipate again as they always do. Like I said, its one of those days. And all the stress that I have been battling isn’t making it easier. Changes can suck. Why does it take so long to adjust to them? Do Neurotypical’s have the problem with adjusting to change as we Aspergians do? And do they take as long? I need to get back into a routine. I know that once I’m in one things will fall back into place. Its starting the routine that is the hardest part. Because that effort is dragging you out of the one your already in. Even if it isn’t a good one.

Sigh three.

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