Memories long and not yet forgotten.

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Groan. Wanting one day where I’m not waking up in some kind of pain. Its hard enough to function at the moment with the annoying hyper senses without having to deal with pain too. Sigh. I’m finding that its bringing on a negative attitude out of me. Which we all know only makes things worse. But what to do when your feel like your stuck in a tar pit of black sticky negativity from pain and frustration and stress and there seems to be no end in sight? Wallow? I know that’s what I feel like doing. Other than taking AsperBoy to school, the last couple of days have been spent in hibernation. Reading, writing and watching telly. I finished the book, Been there, Done that, Try this! As always I enjoyed reading about others like myself, their personal stories, how they managed with all the obstacles in their life to get to where they are now. But this time it only served to increase the black mood, and “anti-ness” that I’m experiencing. I read all these stories of how fellow Aspies went in school, and that despite tribulation they made it through. Maybe with some kind of mentor, but mostly with their own guts and glory. And I cant help but feel like I’ve been shafted. When I was diagnosed back in 1987, nothing was known. As I have mentioned before my Mother was told to stick me in an institution and leave me be. I wasn’t going to achieve anything, do anything, be anything, or be of any use to anyone. And that life itself would be too stressful and would break me. So although my Mother told them to jam it in very polite but in no uncertain terms, I was still engulfed in cotton wool and stuck inside a protective shield so life and all its hurts couldn’t get to me. It leaked through though no matter how they tried. The small school I was in took it further and went so far to not put any pressure on me, that I was placed in all the “vegie” classes and left there. No one tried to encourage me to learn. If I couldn’t figure it out their way, it was obvious I couldn’t do it. This still even though I tested quite high with my IQ. So I drifted all through school, going from being overly in the spot light to be excessively bullied and teased, to being almost invisible. I was a loner. I went through one or two sporadic friendships that didn’t last long. I wasn’t one to be endured for long periods. I learnt very quickly though that if someone was being nice to me, it was because they wanted something and that was all. Once they had gotten what they wanted, it was goodbye and what do you want? I still wonder why I knew this so well at school, but that that knowledge didn’t seem to follow me outside of it. The world where I got myself into so much trouble from bad associations.  But I digress. By the time I left that small school at the end of year 9 to move to Queensland with my family and start year 10, I had nothing to show for all those years of schooling. The fact I made it that far without being left behind was either a tremendous fluke or pity on the schools part for the disabled and stupid girl. Starting year 10 up here, I thought I would get a second chance. That maybe I could shake the stupid from me and actually get somewhere. Maybe make some friends. I wish I knew how ridiculous that dream was so I could have spared myself the humiliation and pain that I ended up with. Not only did I have no idea what it was they were trying to teach me, because I didn’t know anything (it was almost like I hadn’t had any schooling for the first part of my life, only be thrust into high school in the deep end in at 16), in came the physical bullying too. I was being noticed now, and I was afraid all the time. I was under so much stress I was always sick. Always nauseous. By the time year 11 came around my parents had to tell the school was “wrong” with me. I still didn’t know of course that I was Aspergian. Not till after I left. Now the school tried to teach me. I was, well before this, back in all the “vegie” classes. But this was upped by me receiving tutoring as well. Something I was hostile about to the point I didn’t even speak during some of the sessions. I felt as though I was being treated like (excuse the word but I can’t think of another) a retard. I didn’t even make it half way through the year before I left. Since then I basically drifted. The only thing I learned after school is part of a secretarial course (which I was so agitated about I was again sick all the time) and a basic computer course which I came away with nothing more than a piece of paper to say I did it. I tried modelling for a while, but I was unsuited to this career. I didn’t have the personality for it. I didn’t have any personality at all it seemed. I also did through centrelink, a stint of volunteer work experience at The Animal Welfare League which was supposed to get me a job at the end. But didn’t. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do with my life. What I wanted to be. Not and tried to encourage me to do as well. I got the requisite “what do you wanted to be when you grow up Elle?” but I think it was just something that adults ask, and they didn’t really expect me to do anything. I knew I wanted to work with animals in some capacity. I thought at one stage that I would be a vet. But you have to finish high school to do that. Plus all I did during work experience was play with the animals and watch as the vet de-sexed my Mums dog. I’m 38 now and it feels a bit late to do anything about it now. Its during negative times like these that I sometimes think about the past and what would or could have been if things had been handled differently. I cant really blame anyone for the end result. I guess I was just one of those that slipped through the cracks. No one knew anything about Autism. Or that I could anything.  I just feel a bit lost sometimes. Useless. I cant work and have been on a pension for 20 years. In some respects, the doctor that diagnosed me was right in that I do not handle stress well at all. Any kind of stress or pressure. There are many things that I would like to do. Things that will come in a future time. When things settle down. A lot. I don’t understand it, but I’ve always been fascinated by science. Mostly Physics. And Astronomy. Star Trek stuff. Yes I’m a geek. In the mean time, I write a bit. Mostly Blogs. Just to be able to get things out. Whether or not anyone reads them. It doesn’t matter. As long I can find someway to express myself. And I have Kobash as always to keep me company. Nova too. My life’s experiences have taught me one thing. That Asperger’s does not equal stupid. And I do all I can to make sure that my Boy has all the help and encouragement from the people who are teaching him that I never got. I let him know that he can be and learn anything. I encourage his fascinations and obsessions with insects and rocks, and now too loom bands. I encourage him to try. His goal so far in life is to be an entomologist/inventor/pioneer. And in the future he wants to have a helpful insect farm where he will breed insects to help with crops and the like. Plus he wants to invent flying cars and replicator watches so that I can have coffee come out of my watch where ever I am and whenever I want 🙂 Gotta love that Boy. If he can get  me coffee anytime I desire I’m all in for that invention! I’m very grateful that more and more is being learned about Autism everyday, and there is more and more help, and more and more awareness too. Its only going to make the future in this system a little easier for those of us with kids on the spectrum. Those of us from Planet Aspergia.

One of these days I hope I can put the past where it belongs. In the past. The times I remember it are becoming more and more infrequent. For which I’m thankful. The curse of the Aspie mind is that our long term memory can be very long, and very detailed and very accurate. And it can take a very long time before the sting of it fades completely away.

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7 thoughts on “Memories long and not yet forgotten.

  1. Hugs.

    Thank you for writing this!!!

    Your words touched my heart. I wish we had the services today back then, and I sometimes wish today’s services were better, too.

    Sending love. My son is an Aspie but I’m a borrrrrrring NT. I love to read your thoughts because it helps me understand him. PLEASE! Keep writing. YOU. ARE. AMAZING.

    PLLLLLLEASE DONT DOUBT THAT!

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your response to my blog 🙂 I didn’t think that many actually read what I was writing. I was mostly doing it for myself. I love our Aspie kids 🙂 They are all unique and special.

      Like

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