Accomplishments at warp? Make it so.

To say I was experiencing feelings of accomplishment right now would be an understatement. Life is still difficult yes. I’m still tittering on the brink of Autistic shutdown, yes. But I am doing things I never thought in my life that I would do. I’ve come to an understanding about myself, an awareness, that I never thought I’d have.

I’ve started Kobash Mats. By Elle. Making special custom mats for people with assistance/service dogs, pets, and babies. I never ever thought I’d use a sewing machine, much less be capable enough to sew anything usable for anyone. I’ve had some flights of fancy of making dog collars or some such, every now and then. I still couldn’t sew from a pattern to save my life. But I can make mats 🙂

When I get feedback from people about a mat I’ve made them, that they like it, and its what they wanted, I get a rush of satisfaction. And each step of the way, learning how to make to make the mats more efficiently, the new innovations to go with them, I sit back and wonder in amazement that this is something that I’M doing. Me! And oh the happy dance when I ordered the new sew on care instructions labels with the logo that a lovely lady made up for me was just the best! I feel so professional 😀

Of course, it isn’t easy. I never know when I’m going to to get an order. Sometimes it’s weeks before I do. But I’m loving the creative side of it. Of working with each person designing their mat, seeing the end result which is a reflection of themselves, and that they trusted me to make it for them. Fills my heart right to the brim.

And to top it off. The most amazing thing. This honor I was given, to see something I’ve written published in an online magazine for Autism April.

I’m floored that they asked me. Yes, I try to stay up front with all things Autistic. Our world. New news, running my group (or trying to. I’ve been a bit slack of late), the pages too.

Trying to make sure people have accurate information about people like us. It can be hard. Especially when I talk with parents who, while they mean well, only have the wish to see their child be ‘normal’. Little bits of my heart get chipped away every time I hear that.

While I feel so accomplished at the level of self-awareness I  have achieved in my life, at times like that I hate it. And I long for the time when I was oblivious to the Neurotypical world and all their idiosyncrasies and fear of the unknown and different. When I was nieve and innocent. I’m not any of those things anymore. I’ve grown hard and cynical and sarcastic (yes we autistics can understand sarcasm. It’s a learned language at which I’ve become quite fluent). I’ve grown a sharp edge with which to protect myself from this neurotypically dominant world I’ve found myself dumped into.

The things I’ve learned in my years alone, just my son and I are so valuable to me. And while I cherish them, the knowledge I’ve gained in this time is a two-edged sword as well. It gives me strength but also cuts me when I see ignorance about Autistics so prevalent and crushing and sinister growing and surpassing clear thinkers and logic spinners that I fear that any acceptance we achieve will be so far into the future that data will a real thing and beam me up Scotty will an everyday norm (please check your Star trek reference at the door).

I would love to educate more people about the truth about Autism. But I don’t know if I have the strength to handle the ignorance that I will surely face if I do. So, for now, I will blog in this little blog that goes still undetected by the majority. I will post about my self-awareness and knowledge about how our brains work. All the twisty, happy flappy, stimmy little and big things.  And surf in the punk rock music ear tingles straight to the chest feelings of achievement that I’m feeling right now at my accomplishments. A little self-pride is ok, isn’t it?

A little self-pride is ok, isn’t it?


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