The older I get the more realisations I come to about myself and how I function. More light bulb 💡 moments and slaps to the face.

The last few months especially have been very intense in self awareness.

The more I understand and learn the more knowledge I am able to pass on to my son. I wish I had known the things I know now back when I was his age and in my late teens and early twenties.

But while a lot of bad things happened back then they shaped the person I am today and now I can help teach my son to understand himself better so he can avoid (hopefully) the situations I got my self into.

One of the reason I think, that I had so many troubles is because I was put on one kind of anti depressant after another because of ignorant of autism doctors who even though they knew about my diagnosis, still diagnosed me with manic depression or bipolar when I didn’t have that. These pills only served to numb me and take away my natural instincts which could have protected me from a lot of what happened to me. It was when I finally rid myself of all these after my son was born, that all my senses came out of hibernation with full intensity. Nothing was keeping them suppressed anymore so I was now confronted with trying to control these abilities to feel EVERYTHING that I wasn’t able to do before. And traits that I have that had also been suppressed came out. Like some stims I have now.

Over time, especially recently with all these self awarenesses I’ve been having, the term chameleon that has been attributed to autistics has been playing through my mind. It’s a very appropriate term I think that has been applied to us.

Monkey see monkey do is a term tagged to children we are all familiar with. And we all know the one, bad associations spoil useful habits. With all people, if they are around a group of the same people say in and day out will pick up idiosyncrasies, speech inflections, tones of voice, body language and even accents. That is something beyond anyone’s control.

But as an autistic person (I’m not sure if this is the same with all of us or to what degree) it’s more intense. With this “chameleon gene” we’ve been born with we can almost become the people we are around. Maybe it’s part of our fight or flight responses being so amplified, I don’t know. But for me, if I am around someone who speaks with an accent (for instance) even for a little while I will start speaking the same way to the point I have to apologise as that person will think I am making fun of them.

In a lot of cases I don’t like what I pick up.

I’m changing all the time. And these awarenesses are helping me to understand so much about myself that I wish I’d known a long time ago. While I struggle with a lot of things, especially at the moment as life is so intense right now, I like the person I am and what I am. I’m becoming more me.

The autistic community I have found is so incredible. So many amazing women, strong, unique and all so encouraging. We are all learning about ourselves through each other.

It would be great to learn about other autistic people’s experiences and the knowledge they’ve gained about themselves. Share that knowledge and help each other to to keep growing and understanding more about our autistic culture. And rich culture we are at that.

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