It’s not easy to forgive people sometimes.
Ok, most of the time. You make a mistake and your first instinct is to either pretend that it didn’t happen, or or you cover it up, or you make excuses, or the worst thing….blaming someone else for you mistake.
I’m not saying unforgiving that that I make mistakes…..ok I make mistakes.
In my journey of Autistic self reflection I’ve come to learn things about myself. Not all of them I like either.
I’ve learned recently that while I will rant and wail at people being un-apologetic about their faux pars and down right nasty wrong doings, I never really looked at it from the angle pointing to me.
Now most of the times when I make a mistake I will take the blame for it and admit my wrong doings, almost to the point where I actively take pleasure in taking the blame. Weird I know. I am currently working on the root of that strange trait.
I’m not always so forth coming in admitting my mistakes. If I am currently in the process of being at logger heads with someone I find it reeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyy hard to admit my fault in the argument. Like, really hard. And it will make me angry having to say sorry, especially if I’m not the only one to stuff up.
Meanwhile I will rant and wail at someone else’s faults if they don’t even make the effort to apologise.
I also learned thatI find it hard to forgive. This goes against my beliefs too. Being a spiritual person I know that God can’t forgive us we aren’t going to be forgiving of someones wrongs.
Now if my son stuffs up and says sorry (he has the same compulsive sorry trait that I do) I forgive him. If my husband says sorry then I find myself hesitating at forgiving him. In some way I think it’s a pride thing, but there seems to be another factor to it as well that I am trying to figure out.
Being Autistic I work my logic and reasoning things through. I can also be very black and white about somethings while being very loose about others. One of things I am black white about it people admitting when they’ve a mistake and saying sorry for it. Especially if their wrong is directed at me.
The back story of the position I am in right now goes thusly. I won’t name names. Maybe one day the person who this is about will read this blog post things might change. But until then……… (Take into account I have left out a LOT of information and tried to keep it generalised.)
This person I have known most of my life. And for most of my life I have copped the brunt of her wrong doings and unwillingly taken the blame for her mistakes. I was the one blamed for all the bad things that happen in her life. I was stolen from, had lies told about me, was bullied…..the list goes on and there are too many stories and examples and details of things that going into it all would take a novel. The whole could be a novel (or a tele novella) its dramatic enough.
A couple of years ago everything finally blew up. I could no longer tolerate the hypocrisy in the relationship and finally took a stand. In a small way. Knowing the flack I would cop if I blocked her from FaceBook I altered my settings so that no more of my current posts could be seen by her unless I specifically tagged in her them. I did it this way because the back lash I would cop for blocking or deleting her would be far worse. But in the mean time I wouldn’t be able to see her posts on my feed either.
Well didn’t that just blow up in my face.
And it blew up big. This action resulted in me receiving multiple messages from family members and her ranting about how I had blocked her (I made the tweak to her daughters page only because I knew this person would still see me through that page. But in no way did I block, I just tweaked and they could still see my page and past posts if they looked) from my page and I was the most horrible person in the world. I came with exactly what I had done and why. But it made no difference. I was the bad guy again. Because I was trying to protect myself. In the end I was blocked from their page and they blocked my son as well. Since then my son was unblocked. I eventually had to block this persons phone number because the texts were causing such stress. Lots of blocking on going here.
I haven’t spoke to this person since then. And while I no longer have that drama in my life I am still copping the flack from it all from other people. Over the two years that have passed since I have been working on my anger over this issue because I know how damaging holding onto anger can be. But its very hard when the whole issue is constantly thrown up in my face.
My autistic brain holds on things that can’t be resolved. It takes a long time before my brain can shuffle through every aspect of an unresolvable problem before it will let it go. The fact that I am almost 43 and only recently been putting my traumatic school years behind me can testify to that.
I want to let this issue go. But the longer that time goes by and the more it is shoved in my face the harder and angrier I become. I hate being angry. It sits like a heavy ball in my chest filling me with adrenaline and I can almost feel it eating me away. Its a physical emotion. And I hate it.
In the two years that have gone by more and more I see where I was the one who made the first attempt at reconciliations, at seeing to her welfare. In that time I lost a family member and the stress of it all caused me physical pain and anguish (I feel emotions very intensely. Like each one is an active force that physical impacts on me). I ended up developing neuralgia and was in and out of hospital for other issues as well for over a year. But nothing from this person. No enquiries to my welfare. In the mean time I am given all manner of excuses for this person actions.
Now here is what my brain rationalises. If you are sorry for something, really sorry, it wouldn’t matter if your number was blocked, you could email. Write a letter. Come over, SOMETHING to show you cared and were repentant. But I got nothing. I am still copping flack for everything and being the one taking the blame. I often wonder if its because its just easier to blame the Autistic person because they don’t really understand everything anyway and they’ve got the whole mess mucked up in their minds (Yes I am being sarcastic).
Yes that happens to me more than I care to count.
That is the attitude I have had to always deal with. I can’t have an actually issues with something because I am always the one to blow it up out of proportion.
I see everything. I see the way things are. But most of the time I have learned to keep quiet because I know the ableist attitude that most people have.
I think I diverged a tad.
The whole point of this blog post was about forgiveness and repentance.
I have gotten to the stage with this issue that if this person were to come to my door with a repentant attitude, would I invite this person in with forgiveness in my heart?
At the moment the answer is no. At first it would have been yes. But so much time has passed now and so many excuses made and my anger at it all being shoved in my face weekly has driven me to the point where if this person did show up at my door my first instinct would be to slam it shut.
I am very black and white about things. Forgiveness is one of those things. You can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry.
Its a big issue this whole forgiveness thing. We humans, whether Neurotypical or Autistic or Neurodivergent are all at our cores the same. We hesitate to being forgiving while we demand it from others. We push against saying sorry, but if no one says it to us then we wail. At our cores, no matter what you are, we are all the same. I don’t thing anyone is 100% automatically forgiving of anyone else. I never really thought about it in relation to me until this issue came up. I used to think that because I am autistic and so different that I wouldn’t have the same weakness as most. See I so know when to admit when Im wrong. I can get a high and mighty attitude to at times. And this is one issue who core I am very familiar with. BUT I am working on it.
I don’t think I will ever be able to be forgiving if someone isn’t sorry, but the other weaknesses I’m working on 😛
I think in the end everyone needs to work on their own failings and not look so hard at someone else’s. And admit what those weaknesses are. Its only then that those things will loss their strength and we will win.
Did I diverge again?
Photo for the sillies.