I’m too hard.

I don’t know about other auti’s out there, but I’m finding it more and more difficult to hide the feels I get when other people find me too “difficult” or too hard to handle just because I’m autistic and I have chronic health issues.

Its frustrating.

I didn’t ask for the super sensitivities and need for things to be a certain way like my life depended on it. I didn’t ask for the sense of smell so powerful I can smell a flea’s fart. And hear it too.

I would dearly love to be able to go out without the need for someone to be with me. To go to the movies and enjoy it without going deaf from how loud it is or get sick because someone decided to bathe in Lynx that day.

I’m tired of not being able to eat what ever I like.

I’m tired of feeling like all I ever do is complain.

I don’t think people realise how embarrassing to have to share your medical history or other issues with strangers just so you can get support. I hate that I have to have support. And I hate having to listen to people talk about issues that I’m having just so I can get support, especially if they relaying the wrong information because they’re too embarrassed by having to explain it.

And even though I hate having attention drawn to me, and that is one of the reasons why I have an assistance dog, I end up having attention drawn to me because of him. Which is funny.

It’s funny because I have turquoise and purple hair and an undercut but its still Kobash that draws the most attention.  1EE19A4F-E18E-4D3A-87A2-827EF964BF11


Side track: At the earth markets the other week and this couple were standing in the same position for like 10 minutes just starting at us. Dog, me, dog, me, dog, me……. I turned to my husband and whispered loudly “its so weird they’re staring like that, how rude is it??”They must have heard because they started moving.  I turned to try to go down another aisle to avoid them but they separated with the guy going one way and the woman another. Dread feels. I’d have to past one of them. The guy approached me and asked about patting Kobash and I said no, you can’t pat a working assistance dog or distract them.He mumbled something and stood back and continued to stare.  I could see the woman out of the corner of my eye waiting to see if she could come and pat the dog. The guy continued to stare at us until I finally couldn’t handle it anymore and said “please stop staring at us. You’re making me uncomfortable”. Thankfully he backed off and went to his wife.

I have to deal with instances like that the majority of times I go out.

I’m finding myself less tolerant of it. And I’m ranting a lot about it too which can’t be just annoying me 😛

Being autistic I really find people staring or drawing any kind of attention to myself completely anxiety inducing, and would much rather jam a cattle prod in my eye than deal with it.

Yes, it is ironic that I hate that and yet I have purple and green hair. I’m aware of the irony.

I love irony.

I don’t love stares.

Anyway……The reason for this rant, which I must type out because I’m actually fighting a melt down, is the being slapped in the face again with the realisation that people find me too hard to deal with.

Too accomodate. To get to know….

We were planning an outing. Its one we do every year. The stress alone of the travel and having to get ready in time and then the sensory overload from it has me recovering for days after. And with my health getting worse wreaking a heavier toll on me each year. But the outing is good. The program is always excellent. Up building. But because of my worsening health, my sensory issues are so exaggerated now and I’m so sensitive to  everything, and my executive functioning is so much worse that the build up to this outing is causing me to freak out. I spent $30 at the physio to get my back taped up just so I could handle having to sit all day. The only thing that was enabling me to be able to go was being able to sit in one section of the hall. Only one. I have to have a wall behind me because I can’t handle people sitting behind me. I can heard them breathing and chewing and blinking and whispering….I am incapable of tuning it out. The light from the curtain-less windows shines in and blinds me even with my irlen lenses (which need adjusting) so my eyes get heavy and then I’m fighting to stay awake. The fact that people drench themselves in enough perfume or hairspray to last 3 people a 1000 years and the face mask I have is powerless against it. The sounds of candy wrappers and chewing gum, and babies crying and everyone talking and breathing and the sound system up so loud I’m surprised Uruguay hasn’t called in a noise compliant. All that to deal with. And then the car ride up (an hour and a half drive) and back again on the highway I have a phobia about (I Know. How weird is it have a phobia of highways? But I see everything and my brain is doing the worst case scenario of that truck driver going over the sped limit having a blown tyre and then……yeah I’ll stop now). And then recovery time. But I can’t make it if I can’t get that special spot up the back of the hall. Right next to the sound booth (so if its too loud I can maybe ask them to wind it down a little so I don’t feel like my skull will burst) where I have a shield from the windows on that side and far enough away from the windows to combat sun blindess. Right next to a door for a speedy exit.

But then being told its too hard to save those seats and it was a battle even trying to save other ones last year. Why don’t I wait and see whats there when we come up and if those seats are gone then you can always go home……. Even after having to embarrass myself by explaining the reasons why.

Because its too hard.

Or is it just me?

I need a coffee.

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