School Holidays. Friend or foe?

School holidays. Just thought is start this one off on a scream, haha, I kid. So many people dread the though of school holidays, I don’t so much, Even with a child on the spectrum and anxieties and melt downs and tantrums, I still don’t mind them. Maybe because I only have the one child, I don’t know. But aside from the fact that mornings are always…..GAH! The rest of the day (once the medication has started working) is better, (I do Love my boy, and he is a boy bordering on hormonal changes and adolescence) and he can focus better. I agonized over the whole medication thing. I didn’t want to have to go there unless it was absolutely necessary. I tried everything else first. Teas, tinctures, drops, homeopathy, naturopathy, the gf/cf diet…… The diet though is something we have stuck to as he is allergic to gluten and dairy. Those things do make him sick. Finding that out was such a blessing. Before he got on it, he was all over the  place, aggressive, biting me, kicking me, you name it. Along with the physical side effects that those foods were giving him with high fevers out of no where, explosive runs, constant congestions and colds and flus, having his tonsils out because they were that scared up they were like an old mans. It was torture seeing him sick all the time. When I found out about the Gluten and Casein free diet by pure accident and chance, I thought it would be good to try it out. So I did. The book said that if he turned out to be intolerant of gluten and casein then he would go through withdrawals from them like an addict off heroine. And boy did he. For a week he was sick with a temperature as it was coming out of his system. But after that week, what a difference. His aggression stopped. He stopped trying to hurt me, you could actually talk to him. The change in his behaviour was such that even his school asked me what was going on. They would tell me that he was doing better in class. He also stopped being sick all the time. That was about 3 or 4 years ago now. Since then he has had maybe 1 or 2 actual colds or flus. He just doesn’t get sick. The only time he does is when he has eaten something he cant have. Usually when he has been at his dad’s. He also started trying new foods which he wouldn’t before. He would only ever eat cheese and bread. While the diet is restrictive he never misses out. He still gets chips, lollies and cake, ice cream etc. Its just all gluten and dairy free. I’m on the same diet. And yes I so miss cheese cake. But I’m allergic to all that stuff too. Sigh.

After the diet we also tried the alternative stuff like the tinctures and teas. The local health food stores know us very well. In the end his melt downs and the troubles he was having at school made the final decision for medication. After meeting with the school and talking to support services. AsperBoy would have melt downs in which he would trash the support service rooms, pick up benches and throw them….. All from anxiety and over load. He would be tortured afterward, and in tears and so sorry. He couldn’t control himself. He couldn’t settle in to (By this stage his new school) the school and the class room. He was terrified of even going into the class room after all the bullying he copped at the last school. So after debating it and going over and over it we went to the paediatrician. It took about a year or so to get  steady on it. Adjusting the dose and all that. But he is doing much better now. He still has anxiety, but we work on that together with his psychologist. He loves school. Loves learning. They have worked so hard to help him. And he has improved so much. I love reading the comments on his report cards. Always so positive. So while I would have much rather have not gone down the medication path, I cant argue with the results. Mornings aren’t easy. Its very hard to get him to focus and eat his breakfast (it can take an hour for him to eat a piece of toast) get dressed (he does everything else but) brush his teeth…… But when he is focused he draws wonderful pictures and detailed pictures of the butterflies he loves (including descriptions). I would have to say that is the downside of the ADHD part of AsperBoy. Having to take medication. But I love my Boy. He is creative, intelligent, witty. He is caring and thinks about other people. He is polite. And funny. So I do enjoy our holiday time together. He just loves to be able to sleep in 😛 Its still important to stick to some kind of routine though or he isn’t settled. He doesn’t know what to do. If he doesn’t have some kind of activity or job to do he is all over the place and anxious. These holidays though are going to be pretty sedentary. Which wont be fun for him. But he hurt his knee at school, and until we find out what the MRI and xrays say is going on in there (with the possibility of an arthroscopy) he isn’t allowed to be on his feet much. So stock him up with books, dvds, loom bands, pencils and anything else I can fit on his lap. He is already going slightly mental. Mine left ages ago.

Over it and out.

Always has a hug for me.

 

Its finally been torn. I’m am so over my car now. I have decided that even though I don’t know how, why, which, where or when, its going to happen, but that car is going! I’m tired of getting a concussion when I open the boot. Of not being able to lock it because it pops back open again. Of not being able to closes the doors without slamming them. Of not being able to start it without pushing the button to kill the kill switch which doesn’t work either. To say id been conned into buying would be obvious. At the time, I had sold my van and needed something to drive around in. And still in single Mum status, so I needed wheels. So even though the niggling thought in my mind was telling me that they took our offer WAY too fast, I still bought it. And I’m suffering for it now. Oh how I love the burning rubber smell when I’ve been driving around for a while.

But…..BIG but. Unless I suddenly come into some money, or the dollar I planted in the backyard decides to grow roots, I have no idea how I’m going to turf this car and get one that works. One that we can take to Melbourne with us. One with a functioning air conditioner. That stays locked when you lock it. One big and roomy……..sigh. GAH!  At least today is better than yesterday. Then again actually getting some sleep WILL make your day brighter. I’ve so sleep deprived of late. The little that I do get has been non existent for days. I was about to go mental. Its hard enough dealing with hyper senses and stress without being a nut job from lack of sleep.

Kobash today has been on the ball for me. Hubby and I were having a conversation with a friend outside their house, when a magpie flew down and started squawking at Kobash. With that bird going at it, along came a flocks of butcher birds to join in. All focused in Kobashs direction. My hands were over my ears to try to drown out the sound, which as anyone with heightened hearing can tell you does jack squat at actually blocking out any noise. I was desperate for it to stop, and Kobash came to my rescue. He looked at the bird that instigated the raucous, and headed straight for it. All he did was do the heeler stare and make two steps, when the bird took the message and flew off. All the rest of the birds in on the action also flew off. And then it was very quiet. ALL the birds in area had gone off with the flock that took off. Kobash, a look of satisfaction on his face, moved back to my side and laydown. I love that dog. I love that he is there when I need him in situations like that. Right now he is having a well deserved break. After he had his meaty treat he parked it on the mattress on the floor next to Nova, and fell fast asleep. Nova got her treat too. I never come home from being out with Kobash without giving her one too. I always feel bad that she has to stay at home while Kobash comes out with me everywhere. I’m so glad I have someone who loves Hounds and Loves Nova that will look after her while we’re all away in Melbourne. I’m sure she will get spoilt rotten. She will go off all packed up with her food and treats, and faux fur blanky (that I’m buying for her next month :)) and her comfort coat and calming spray. This will be the longest time I’ve been away from her. And the cats too.

But right now I think I will go and have a nap. Still trying to catch up on sleep.

Changes? No. I dont like changes.

Sleeping puppies

 

 

How do you handle sudden changes? Myself, I don’t handle them well. Even what would be seemingly simple to a Neurotypical, can be outstandingly humungous for an Aspergian. The day didn’t start off well. Waking up to full body cramping mostly focused in my back and radiating outward, is becoming all to frequent. Restless sleeping with tossing and turning and more pain. I prefer to sleep with white noise in the background as it helps me to sleep better. But having a fan on in winter is not the best idea. Way too cold for that. So I hear every noise, every breath from the Hubby sleeping beside me. The sound of AsperBoy talking in his sleep from the other side of the  house. All coalesces into a cacoon of noise that prevents me from getting any of the rest my body needs.

So grateful  had two cups of coffee this morning.

The dang car with its myriad of problems, failed to start for me, so I found myself stuck outside AsperBoy’s school for 30 minutes till I could get the remote to work, enabling me to push the button that would kill the kill switch so I could start the blasted thing. So its off to the mechanics again this week to have the kill switch deactivated. I’m beginning to think its a waste of precious time. I would rather have a new car. Id rather have my dream car, but that one is to stay in my dreams. mmmmmm Jeeps.

So once I was home, I set about to take care of things that I needed to take care of here. Pre-study done, Tablet research done. The preliminary list for the Melbourne trip done. Dog vomit cleaned up (thanks Kobash). Then I get a call that upsets the lunch time routine. Trying very hard to let it go. Things will happen sometimes. Things that I cant control. But I still cant help the negative feelings, the agitation, the GAHHHHH. Just from a mucked up lunch. Ridiculous yes? Yes. Missing out on lunch time coffee. But glad I did have the two for breakfast. Its all routines. Messed up routines that cause the agitation. I cant help it. No matter how much I try to reason with myself, tell myself that I’m being ridiculous, the Aspie in me takes over and I find myself bordering on a melt down. Trying to find alternatives. Thinking I need to have backups in case of emergencies.

Slowly trying to implement the ideas from the Asperger book I read. Trying to get myself more organized. Its a mammoth job I know. But I know that If I can do it, then I can be a better example for AsperBoy too.

Sleeping Dogs on the mattress on the floor beside me. Nova gets up to have a stretch. Cracking bones, turning turning. Settling, and a big groaning sigh as she lays back down. Kobash meanwhile sleeping through, flickering eyelids as he dreams. I wonder what he is dreaming about? Playing chasing with the other dogs at the park? Or chasing a reluctant Nova as she runs away from him? Poor Nova. She cant even pee without him trying to play with her. Yes I’m laughing.

Hopefully the rest of the week will go according to plan. Big Thursday as usual. Then the blonding on Friday. Coming up with ideas for AsperBoy and I while he is on school holidays.

Changes? No. I really don’t like changes.

Ruminating and musing on my day.

Me when I was blonde, with AsperBoy

Spankin in his suit

In thoughtful contemplation

Live long and prosper

All rugged up inside. Cardi on with furry hood puled up over my head. Fingerless gloves on and long trakkie pants. Yep. I’m still cold. Its cold in the house. But I’m not prepared to go outside and sit in the sun. The light would end up bothering me and causing me to have bad eye strain. Which I also get inside the house, though not as intense as it would outside. Two more weeks and I get the Irlen Lenses. Which will hopefully make the light not cause as mush discomfort and pain for me and more. The price of hyper senses.

These hyper senses I look at as being both a blessing and a curse. Curse with the amount of trouble they cause. Making it hard for me be out in the world more than it would be just with my Asperger’s. Having to combat smells, light, sound, people getting too close and bumping into me, crowds, screaming and tantruming (yes I know that not all kids you see are just brats having a tantrum. Sometimes it can be a kid on the spectrum having a melt down). Plus I feel the temperature more. Hot and cold are more extreme. I cant handle being hot at all. And being cold makes me tense up so much I can get a panic attack. On the blessing side, I love being able to notice things that most NTs wouldn’t. Being able to smell things they wouldn’t. Hear things they wouldn’t. Of course with my being able to hear everything I mostly cant distinguish one noise from another. So picking up languages is hard as I’m hearing all the words at once. Id love to learn a language though. But maybe from a book and have someone who knows it to give me the right pronunciation. I would have to say that I don’t hate being Aspergian. And I do everything I can to help AsperBoy to not hate it too. Sometimes when he is frustrated he will say things like “I hate Autism”, or “I  wish I wasn’t Aspie”. But that  usually comes after he has had a bad day at school, or he is frustrated that he cant eat (he is gluten/casein free) what the other kids eat. So I remind him that he never misses out on anything. He still gets ice cream, cup cakes, chocolate etc. And so nice you wouldn’t know it was gluten and dairy free. And then I tell him that Autism doesn’t make him less. It makes him unique in his own way, just like everyone is unique in their own way, whether they are Aspergian or not. And it doesn’t make him stupid either. Some things may be harder for us then for NTs. We don’t come preprogramed with social cues and how to handle the NT word like they do. But it doesn’t mean that we cant pick it up. We may have sensory issues, but we have more appreciation for the little things that we see and feel. I tell him how smart and creative he is. How great it is that he is always coming up with ideas for inventions (yes most of what he comes up with has already been invented but he doesn’t know that when he’s thinking of it), how artistic he is.  These talks always help him to remember that we are all special in our own way too. And that no matter what, I am always there for him to help him when he is down. They also help to remind me that despite the troubles I have, I also have a lot of blessing to be thankful for.

But for now I’m going to enjoy my quiet day to myself. Just the Dogs and I. Only thing to go out for is a quick trip to the dvd shop to pick something up for my Mum and I to watch tonight. Hubby is off to watch the state of origin with some friends. Which is fine with me. Football makes no logical sense to me what so ever. And I hate watching it. But then most sports makes no sense me. What it is with games like golf? or tennis? No! I better not go there. I wont be able to stop, ha-ha. But I cant really complain. I’m a sci fi geek and I’m pretty sure that most of what I like makes no sense to him either. Another thing to be thankful for, is that AsperBoy is just like me when it comes to sci fi. And reading. But right now, I think id better get me off to yonder dvd shop before I get too comfy.

What ever happened to Sunday’s?

Handsome in Blue

Keeping my back at the bank

Helping in the kitchen

Strike a pose.

Are we there yet?

Pretty in Blue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was wondering. the other day. And the thought that I was wondering was, what ever happened to Sunday’s? Sundays used to be quiet days. Kids were taught that it was a quiet day. No screaming or yelling or loud play. Don’t bug the neighbours, they like their sundays to be quiet. The shops were mostly shut on Sundays. No one mowed their lawn on Sundays. Now I know that he whole sunday thing was because people went to church and the rest of the day was supposed be left to quiet reflection of what learned while at church. But with those days gone, and most of the population not even attending church (which I don’t either mind you), and businesses taking over and being open all weekend now, so has the quiet. Having the old school parents I did, I had it drilled into me that Sundays were quiet days. And being Aspergian as I am, I always follow the rules, and get very agitated and frustrated and upset when no one else follows the same rules I do. So you can imagine how discombobulated I get when my neighbours don’t follow the Sunday rule as I do. What with loud music being played in the early morning, so if you wanted to you couldn’t even get a sleep in (no I don’t sleep in. My body wont let me unfortunately. Always waking me up with pain and body cramps early. Pain in the you know where) and then the lawn mowing and the whipper snippering, and the boat engines and goodness knows what else. Sigh. I guess being Aspie, I crave that one day a week to have for quiet. Some peace from the chaotic world that im always finding myself struggling through. I know that AsperBoy benefits from a day of quiet after a busy week. And as he goes up year by year at school, it will only get busier. So he will need to have time for just quiet. To let his brain reboot, defrag and drain out the excess GAHHHHHH! So Im endeavouring to get him into having that as part of his routine now. He has been suffering from more anxiety of late. Which started when he commenced having one night a week sleep over at his dad’s. He has had had more than one anxiety/panic attack at school where they couldn’t calm him down. And what with food reactions having sick and coughing for two weeks, bad dreams kicking off again, he is all over the place. He has even started asking me to have Kobash at school with him. He grabs on to Kobash and doesn’t want to let him go. If he continues to have problems like these as he gets older and goes into high school, I have no problem looking into a service dog for him then. If he needs one. I know the benefits, and how much Kobash has helped me. But he will have to be older I think before that happens. Tony Attwood is holding another of his fabulous conferences toward the end of the year. And I am going to see if I can some help in being able to go. Its not cheap. And I usually miss out on going because of that reason. But this one I really think I need to go to. Its titled, emotion management in children and teens with ASC. Very timely. I had already been thinking about getting AsperBoy help with working through and working out his sensory sensitivities. And also something to help work through his escalating anxiety. So this couldn’t have come up at a  more opportune time. Anything to help him have an easier time of things. The world is a harsh enough place, and only getting worse all the time, with out having to go through it with the problems he have. That all of us on the spectrum have. I must say I am grateful that I am also Aspergian, in that I can help him to navigate things a little better then he would be able to otherwise. And also serve as a ‘translator’ for him when needed.

With all these things on my mind, I’m grateful that I’m able have some quiet days at home during the week. My Sunday has now become my Tuesday and or Wednesday. Those are my defragging days. Today, though, I spent in and out of the house. I gave the book id finished reading to my mum to read. She likes to keep up with the new stuff on the Asperger front. I highlighted all the parts that I thought pertained to me as I always do. I’m grateful that she wants to know. Then off for coffee to help me get through the rest of my errands at the local shops. Thankfully I had the two of the best companions with me. Kobash on my right, and Nova on my left. Nova couldn’t come into the shops with me, but I did take her to the café with me. Surprisingly I had the right change for what I wanted, so one of the baristas took my order and brought me my coffee without my needing to go inside. So I didn’t have to tie Nova up out the front somewhere like I thought I would have to when I arrived there. She waited in the car for us while I did my errands. She doesn’t care if she does, as long as I take her with us sometimes. She feels left out when I take Kobash out without her. I don’t blame her. But she her treats when I get home so she knows that I don’t forget her.

Right now, with Kobash at my side, burping softly away after his dinner, Nova parked out on her couch. AsperBoy is at his grandmas practising a song that he is going to sing with her at our next bbq, This is to make up for missing out on being able to preform at his schools talent show. Something that he was looking forward to very much. He was quite devastated when he found out he didn’t get through. But then the whole thing was all mixed up, with me not having the right dates for the first auditions. He will have another go at it next year. Hopeful we will be ore prepared then.

Oh well. I suppose id better get dinner on. Oh how I miss take out! Stupid celiac disease and dairy/soy/canola allergies!

Thursdays just keep on going on.

Look on Kobash’s face after seeing the lab

Can I play now Mum?

Little Lucy was very patient.

Mum! He wants to play with me!

 

 

 

Something new to add to the reactions that I get from sensory overload. I now get dizzy and my head spins when im around too much noise and people and smells and light….. Found this out in one of the worst places. Right in the middle of Robina Town Centre. Oh what fun. I can only figure, that with the massive emotional melt down I had on Monday night which left me drained, my chest hurting and my neck that stiff I still cant turn it to the left, that this is just a side effect of that. With the accumulation of stress and anxiety, its almost like my brain is flaring, sparking, and setting off new physical reactions. I’ve decided that I really do need something more  creative in my life. Something which wont only be good for me, but also beneficial for AsperBoy. We both like art. And with this on my mind for a few months now, and with some extra encouragement and suggestions (thanks Bunny 🙂 ) I’m going to start setting up an art corner in our garage. There is plenty of space there for it. I’m going to get an easel, some shelves put up, and a set of draws with paints (not sure whether oils or acrylics yet) and an old table. I’ve also decided that its been long enough, and I want to get back into doing some pottery. I’ve driven past a place out in Tallebudgera often enough and have always wanted to go back and ask if they fire peoples pieces and if so how much. Of course nothing I do will ever get shown, its just for some creative outlet. I know that AsperBoy will have a lot of fun with it too. He loves making art and working with his hands.  And there is never enough coffee cups in the house 😉

Kobash was good as usual while we were at the Centre. We met up with a lady who also has a Dog through A.W.A.R.E Dogs Australia. It was nice to catch and have a coffee and a chat. And she understood when I had to leave when the over load was getting to much and I thought I was going to have a massive panic attack right there. Kobash so badly wanted to play with her Dog, but Lucy (another Lucy Service Dog, but this one a little Maltese/poodle mix). Every time Lucy made even small movement, Kobash would jerk up off the floor and dart toward her, full heeler herd kicking into gear. Of course I would scold him and make him get into his position. I think the sight of another Dog, a guide dog in training made him all the more excited. He has a thing about Labradors (we have one next door, and he and the lab run up and down the fence line with each other getting all worked up and over excited) and staffys too. except with staffys, he tries to “fix” them because they generally tend to be hyper and a little nutty. I can say with confidence after having walked quite a few and owning one also 🙂 But still lovely dogs, and not deserving of the bad rap they get. The only thing with Kobash is that when he tries to fix another dog, he does the heeler pinch (with his teeth) and people freak out because they think that he is trying to bite their dog. Which isn’t the case at all. If he were aggressive there is NO way he would have passed to becoming an Assistance Dog. He just has a thing about Dogs that get obsessed about balls and sticks and tried to snap them out of it. They either snap at him and charge him and he runs away, or they start playing with him. Which is partly what he wanted 🙂 Weird dog that dog o’mine.

But I was so grateful to have him with me yesterday. He knew when I had enough and needed to leave, when I couldn’t stand in the same position any longer and needed to move, and when the Centre was just too much for me, and he pulled me out of there. He knows where the exit it. He has a good memory that dog 🙂 Proof of that today when he saw another cattle dog (there is nothing Kobash loves more than another working dog) out the front of the corner shops. Tied up out the front and waiting for his master. Very calm and placid. Kobash got excited and wanted to go say hello, but we were going in another direction. We ended up going through another entrance, and when we came out he yanked me out the doors expecting to see the cattle dog, who of course was already gone. Head went down, and he let out this big sigh. So cute. But he will have something great to look forward to soon. A friend of mine adopted a 9 week old cattle dog. A little deaf girl. She had her best friend depart from her a couple years ago. He was deaf boy. They were the perfect team. She is so good with deaf dogs. Its all natural for her. So she was the perfect one to take on this little girl. No one else wanted her because she is deaf. As she gets older and starts going through adolescence, my friend may bring her over here to have play dates with Kobash. She works at the local pet shop and they have a doggy day care there, but she wants her little girl to have another working dog to play with. And she loves Kobash. I cant wait to see the look on his face when he meets her for the first time. I’m sure it will be love at first sight 🙂

Right now he is snuggled up with Nova .Both of them happily belching the evening away after a big dinner. The Hubby and I will have a quite one tonight as AsperBoy is off for the night at his Dad’s. So off I go. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Memories long and not yet forgotten.

Groan. Wanting one day where I’m not waking up in some kind of pain. Its hard enough to function at the moment with the annoying hyper senses without having to deal with pain too. Sigh. I’m finding that its bringing on a negative attitude out of me. Which we all know only makes things worse. But what to do when your feel like your stuck in a tar pit of black sticky negativity from pain and frustration and stress and there seems to be no end in sight? Wallow? I know that’s what I feel like doing. Other than taking AsperBoy to school, the last couple of days have been spent in hibernation. Reading, writing and watching telly. I finished the book, Been there, Done that, Try this! As always I enjoyed reading about others like myself, their personal stories, how they managed with all the obstacles in their life to get to where they are now. But this time it only served to increase the black mood, and “anti-ness” that I’m experiencing. I read all these stories of how fellow Aspies went in school, and that despite tribulation they made it through. Maybe with some kind of mentor, but mostly with their own guts and glory. And I cant help but feel like I’ve been shafted. When I was diagnosed back in 1987, nothing was known. As I have mentioned before my Mother was told to stick me in an institution and leave me be. I wasn’t going to achieve anything, do anything, be anything, or be of any use to anyone. And that life itself would be too stressful and would break me. So although my Mother told them to jam it in very polite but in no uncertain terms, I was still engulfed in cotton wool and stuck inside a protective shield so life and all its hurts couldn’t get to me. It leaked through though no matter how they tried. The small school I was in took it further and went so far to not put any pressure on me, that I was placed in all the “vegie” classes and left there. No one tried to encourage me to learn. If I couldn’t figure it out their way, it was obvious I couldn’t do it. This still even though I tested quite high with my IQ. So I drifted all through school, going from being overly in the spot light to be excessively bullied and teased, to being almost invisible. I was a loner. I went through one or two sporadic friendships that didn’t last long. I wasn’t one to be endured for long periods. I learnt very quickly though that if someone was being nice to me, it was because they wanted something and that was all. Once they had gotten what they wanted, it was goodbye and what do you want? I still wonder why I knew this so well at school, but that that knowledge didn’t seem to follow me outside of it. The world where I got myself into so much trouble from bad associations.  But I digress. By the time I left that small school at the end of year 9 to move to Queensland with my family and start year 10, I had nothing to show for all those years of schooling. The fact I made it that far without being left behind was either a tremendous fluke or pity on the schools part for the disabled and stupid girl. Starting year 10 up here, I thought I would get a second chance. That maybe I could shake the stupid from me and actually get somewhere. Maybe make some friends. I wish I knew how ridiculous that dream was so I could have spared myself the humiliation and pain that I ended up with. Not only did I have no idea what it was they were trying to teach me, because I didn’t know anything (it was almost like I hadn’t had any schooling for the first part of my life, only be thrust into high school in the deep end in at 16), in came the physical bullying too. I was being noticed now, and I was afraid all the time. I was under so much stress I was always sick. Always nauseous. By the time year 11 came around my parents had to tell the school was “wrong” with me. I still didn’t know of course that I was Aspergian. Not till after I left. Now the school tried to teach me. I was, well before this, back in all the “vegie” classes. But this was upped by me receiving tutoring as well. Something I was hostile about to the point I didn’t even speak during some of the sessions. I felt as though I was being treated like (excuse the word but I can’t think of another) a retard. I didn’t even make it half way through the year before I left. Since then I basically drifted. The only thing I learned after school is part of a secretarial course (which I was so agitated about I was again sick all the time) and a basic computer course which I came away with nothing more than a piece of paper to say I did it. I tried modelling for a while, but I was unsuited to this career. I didn’t have the personality for it. I didn’t have any personality at all it seemed. I also did through centrelink, a stint of volunteer work experience at The Animal Welfare League which was supposed to get me a job at the end. But didn’t. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do with my life. What I wanted to be. Not and tried to encourage me to do as well. I got the requisite “what do you wanted to be when you grow up Elle?” but I think it was just something that adults ask, and they didn’t really expect me to do anything. I knew I wanted to work with animals in some capacity. I thought at one stage that I would be a vet. But you have to finish high school to do that. Plus all I did during work experience was play with the animals and watch as the vet de-sexed my Mums dog. I’m 38 now and it feels a bit late to do anything about it now. Its during negative times like these that I sometimes think about the past and what would or could have been if things had been handled differently. I cant really blame anyone for the end result. I guess I was just one of those that slipped through the cracks. No one knew anything about Autism. Or that I could anything.  I just feel a bit lost sometimes. Useless. I cant work and have been on a pension for 20 years. In some respects, the doctor that diagnosed me was right in that I do not handle stress well at all. Any kind of stress or pressure. There are many things that I would like to do. Things that will come in a future time. When things settle down. A lot. I don’t understand it, but I’ve always been fascinated by science. Mostly Physics. And Astronomy. Star Trek stuff. Yes I’m a geek. In the mean time, I write a bit. Mostly Blogs. Just to be able to get things out. Whether or not anyone reads them. It doesn’t matter. As long I can find someway to express myself. And I have Kobash as always to keep me company. Nova too. My life’s experiences have taught me one thing. That Asperger’s does not equal stupid. And I do all I can to make sure that my Boy has all the help and encouragement from the people who are teaching him that I never got. I let him know that he can be and learn anything. I encourage his fascinations and obsessions with insects and rocks, and now too loom bands. I encourage him to try. His goal so far in life is to be an entomologist/inventor/pioneer. And in the future he wants to have a helpful insect farm where he will breed insects to help with crops and the like. Plus he wants to invent flying cars and replicator watches so that I can have coffee come out of my watch where ever I am and whenever I want 🙂 Gotta love that Boy. If he can get  me coffee anytime I desire I’m all in for that invention! I’m very grateful that more and more is being learned about Autism everyday, and there is more and more help, and more and more awareness too. Its only going to make the future in this system a little easier for those of us with kids on the spectrum. Those of us from Planet Aspergia.

One of these days I hope I can put the past where it belongs. In the past. The times I remember it are becoming more and more infrequent. For which I’m thankful. The curse of the Aspie mind is that our long term memory can be very long, and very detailed and very accurate. And it can take a very long time before the sting of it fades completely away.

Sunday’s Monday’s and Social hangovers.

Off with the glasses this week to get the Irlen tinting. For which I am grateful. Its taken a while to get it going what with the cost for etc. Not cheap. AsperBoy will be next to get testing for them.

I could have really used them yesterday at the Assembly. It was a lovely day. The people, the program. We had a nice lunch at midday. Savoury rice, coffee for us grown ups, and cup cakes for dessert. Kobash lay behind the chairs on one of his mats, so he would be off the cold tiles. He didn’t beg even once. Proud of that boy. And proud of AsperBoy too, for being so good for the day. Just one upset, when he took off ahead of us back to the tables outside after we had taken the lunch boxes back to the car. He thought we were right behind him. I had told him we were heading for the toilets before they got over crowded, but we was off in loom band land and was looking for a place to sit so he could do them. He wanted to show the other kids there how to do it. When I had gone back outside again I was faced with an anxious and crying AsperBoy who had evidently gone looking for me, and when he couldn’t find me had worked himself up into a frenzy. One of my friends had found him and was unable to console him. Of course once he had found me, had his cry and told me off for not being behind him when he thought I was, while I told him that I had in fact informed him of where I was going, he turned around and was off again. Sigh. What can you do hey? But it was still a nice day. Which would have been a lot more enjoyable if not for the sensory overload that was suffering. The noise was such that my head felt like it was in a vice.  I was tense from the middle of my back, straight through my neck and into my head. I sought refuge in the car after lunch once everyone had gone back inside. Just a few minutes of quiet, to collect myself. My eyes were strained and sore from the light inside and out. And I still had to drive back home. Thankfully we arrived home before it was dark, as the dang dash lights were off again. And it looks as if for the foreseeable future I’m stuck with the lemon of a car I have.

Social hangover to the max today. Day on my own tomorrow to sleep maybe and vege in front of the TV and maybe read too. A day with just me and the dogs. AsperBoy will be back at school after the long weekend, and he husband will be off doing husbandly things.

Will try to finish the new book I got a couple weeks ago now. Been there, done that, try this. One thing I have already come away with to help my anxiety, especially the anxiety I feel trying to leave the house in the morning where I inevitably forget something if not everything, including shopping lists, is make a check list on what needs to be done and tick it off (remember shopping list. Tick. Remember head phones. Tick). Looking forward to what else I can learn that will help not just me, but AsperBoy too.

Three sighs and when are we starting that new routine?

Major shopping centres are bad enough on any day. But finding myself stuck in one on a day I didn’t need to be there just makes it all the more fun. Yay to sensory overload (what is that smell?? Oh great another screaming baby, the flickering lights….gah!). And at the same time as being grateful at being able to have Kobash with me to help me during times like those, the stares that I we get as we’re moving through the mall make me want to dig myself into a hole until the mall shuts and I can escape. I hate being stared at. This is one of the reasons I didn’t “make it” as a model. The feel of peoples eyes on me….shudder. That and the fact that because of my height, the agency would only send me for casting calls for catwalk jobs, and I cant walk in a pair of high heels without falling over to save my life. I have about as much grace as a drunken sailor, and have been known to fall over from a standing position. End of modelling career. And why was that a good again anyway?

But I digress.

Now I know the benefits of having a list and keeping a calendar, but of what help are those things if I don’t have the memory to bring them with me?? I’m always forgetting things. And its worse if I’ve been under a lot of stress and pressure, and too much has been happening of a morning and I’m in too big of a rush to remember what I need even if its sitting right next to my bag as I’m rushing out the door? None. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Sigh. So, not only did I forget the list that my Husband so kindly made for me, I also forgot, in my switch over from old phone to “new” phone (which has been back and forth from me to the repair company so much that since the time of purchase in January, I’ve actually had in my hand all of three weeks) to make a note of the appointments in the old phones calendar so I could put them in the “new” phone. Which is what had me sitting for over 40 minutes outside The Coffee club at Robina Town Centre on Thursday. Waiting waiting waiting. You’d think that I would have texted the person I was supposed to meet well before that to see if they were going to turn up, but I didn’t until the time for meeting had well passed. Another sigh.

Kobash climbed up on my lap (making me laugh watching him to trying to get his back paws up on the padded bench I was sitting on. Up, slip sown, up, slip down, up, slip down….) Then the big wet one to the side of my face as if to say, Its ok Mum. I’m here. Big hug. Snap a pic. I still can not handle the looks from people. The places we frequent the most, to the people there, we are now a common  sight. And usually in a big mall like the Town Centre, people usually have a quick glance and keep on moving by. There were more people than usual there on Thursday. And it felt as if they all had their eyes on us. Most people would have a smile on their face. Some made us laugh as they looked liked birds with their heads tilted so far to the side trying to read Kobash’s vest, and some had looks of distain or disgust. You could almost hear them saying, what is that dog doing in here? Their kids said out loud what they didn’t. One lady almost hit Kobash with a trolley, and another with a pram. They saw him there, and either it was their intention to send a message to the lady who had the balls to bring a dog in to the shops, or the presence of him didn’t register at all even though they were staring right him. Who knows. I was glad when I could leave.

Right now I wish I was at home alone so I could have Kobash and Nova inside with me. Its one of those days. The ones that seem to start out ok, even though you were ousted from bed with painful full body cramps starting from the back and radiating outward. Its sunny, though windy. Cold. Kobash is restlessly moving about veranda. On his bed, off his bed, pace pace pace. On his bed. Too much to do, but no motivation to do anything. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch TV and read. Its still early enough in the day, but time is moving so fast these days, it will near 4pm before I can blink and time to pick up AsperBoy from his dad’s place. And that brings its own stress. Wondering if he is ok there, too many thoughts about what could be going on. Stuff that has happened to him while in his fathers “care” in the past play a big role in the anxiety that I feel each time I wave him off.

Tomorrow will be a big day. Up to Brisbane for an Assembly. The programs are wonderful, and the people are so lovely and kind and loving and accepting of everyone. The atmosphere is beautiful. I wish I could enjoy it more and not suffer from the sensory over stimulation and attacks that I do when even I’m in crowds like that. The light is wrong and hurts. The smells of the people, all to close, all grab your arm when they say hello and I hate having my arms touched. I flinch and move back, and the looks of confusion on their faces. I cant go into explanations of why. As much as they would try to understand, they wouldn’t. That the sound of all their voices merging together into an indistinguishable pulsating roar, like I’ve been pulled under by a big rip in the ocean of people around me. The hangover that I endure for days afterwards.

And thinking about all this, all my insufficiencies, the things I’m lacking in, make me more frustrated and angry at myself. the list of things I cant do is far longer then the list of things I can. The goals I set for myself all get torn to pieces eventually. I don’t know why I make them anymore. I know how negative I sound. Its all part of the down cycle I’m still stuck in. I also know that those feelings will dissipate again as they always do. Like I said, its one of those days. And all the stress that I have been battling isn’t making it easier. Changes can suck. Why does it take so long to adjust to them? Do Neurotypical’s have the problem with adjusting to change as we Aspergians do? And do they take as long? I need to get back into a routine. I know that once I’m in one things will fall back into place. Its starting the routine that is the hardest part. Because that effort is dragging you out of the one your already in. Even if it isn’t a good one.

Sigh three.

Snortings and snufflings on a sunny Wednesday

Snorting’s and snuffling’s around the table legs, as Kobash scavenges for any crumbs he can find from last nights dinner that may have dropped to the floor. A sneeze as he finds more dust than crumbs. He gives up after finding nothing more than a speck or two, then heads back to the mattress on the floor and lies down next to his beloved Nova. I don’t know whether or not his food issues will ever completely go away. But we’re doing everything we can to make it less of an issue for him. The feedings at the same time (or close too) every night. More affection than treats. Little things like these are making a big difference. Another thing we need to do is get back into a regular routine of walking. It has slipped back a lot over the last few months, what with the downward slope that ive been in and the pain in my back. Which is “normal” in my life. I get my ups and downs. This down is harder than usual i’ll admit. The hyper sensitivities that have been plaguing me for the last few months aren’t making it easy. But Kobash helps me as much as he can in his way, while I try to help to him with his food obsession. We’re a team. And Nova is our side kick 🙂 Oh, and we cant forget AsperBoy. While I try to work through my sensory issues, I also work at helping AsperBoy with his. As he gets older they become more and more apparent. I still remember the first time he made his strong dislike for having wet shoes and socks and pants known, after we got caught out in a down pour at the Dog park one day while with the pack of Dogs I used to walk. Once he became saturated from the waist down, he stopped and refused to walk any further, having a complete and total melt down right there on the foot path. He could not handle the feel of the wet jeans or socks or shoes on him. I don’t blame him. Its one of things I cant handle sensory wise either. As I learn more about mine, I notice more about his. In that way I can help him. While there is still so much more for people to learn about ASD/Autism, we are still galaxies ahead of where were when I was diagnosed back in the 80’s when nothing was known. And mothers were the ones predominantly blamed for their children’s condition. If only they had shown them more love. What ever. I promised my Boy that I would do everything I could to make sure that he wouldn’t have to go through the sorts of things that I did when I was at school. I think I’ve succeeded. He has so much help from the school and support services. His talents are known and encouraged. If he cant figure out something one way, they try another. He has friends. There are so many more resources now too.
Gentle snoring as Kobash drifts further into sleep. A stretch from Nova.
I like our quiet times together. I’m finding that I’m preferring more and more to stay at home. I’m definitely in a funk. I know that while these stagnant periods can go on for quite sometime, I will crawl my way out of it soon. So much as happened over the past year, and I think my brain is still processing a lot of it. All the changes. And there have been a lot. And all practically at once. And with my Aspergian mind, it takes time to sort through it all. And accept that things are different now, and wont be the same as they were. A lot of it is for the better. Some I struggle with. AsperBoy has endured all this with more strength than I thought he had. He can be very resilient. We try to keep things as routine as possible for him at home, even with little things. Structure. He thrives on that. The time he spends at his fathers sends it all skyward like ash from an erupting volcano. And that is the magnitude of some of his melt downs when he is home after an over nighter there. I just hope that it will be sooner rather than later that his father will finally accept his sons diagnosis (and make the necessary adjustments). And see that it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with him. But that his differences are what make him unique and special. What would the world of science be today without Aspergians like Einstein and Tesla? And AsperBoy’s wish to be an entomologist. But then AsperBoy has desires to be a multitude of things. A musician. An Entomologist. An artist. A rock star. An inventor. His imagination is limitless.
But that’s my Boy 🙂
The frames for the Irlen lenses that took so long to get, will finally be sent off to get the Irlen tinting done this week. Next it will be AsperBoy’s turn. Now all I need is a remote with a mute button for the lorikeets outside. Sigh. Or maybe I can train Kobash to chase them away for me? I look down at him curled up in a ball on the Mattress. Eyelids flickering in Doggy dreams. His tail is resting over Nova’s face. While she is more out stretched. One long front leg gracefully linked through the other. Life as a Dog sometimes seems to be preferable does it not? Maybe sometimes. A single Nano-second of time perhaps. But even with the troubles that can plague us, I still prefer to be as I am. I know that the future is going to be bright and glorious. I hold onto that.
But for now the quite. For now.